I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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