What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
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Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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