my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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