I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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