for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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