The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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