yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
