that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
