someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
