Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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