Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
