Already got asked if we're dating
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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