To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
