The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
