we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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