haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
