You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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