I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
