Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm at about main and main street
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
