so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
