I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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