i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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