My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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