i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
