I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
