i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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