Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
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Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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