Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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