if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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