Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
