Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
