I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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