Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
