Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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