saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
