Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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