8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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