Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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