I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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