True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
