How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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