The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
