Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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