you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
