So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
