"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
