You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's rum buckets o'clock
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
