i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
