I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
