You can't motorboat a personality
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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