matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
