when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
