I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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