I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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