I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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