So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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