my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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